There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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