I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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