I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
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I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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