Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
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Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
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Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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