Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
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She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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