lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
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I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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