btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
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i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
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sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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