theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
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My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
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I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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