I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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