Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize