Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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