I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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