you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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