If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
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I cannot FaceTime with your penis
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
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Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize