Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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