last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
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I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
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You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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