I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
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Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
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I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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