I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
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No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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