I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
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Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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