I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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