so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
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My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
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I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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