Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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