I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
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Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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