I smell stomach acid.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
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I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
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nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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