How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
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You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
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Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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