Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
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But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
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Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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