Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize