Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
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I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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