I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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