Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
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You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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