I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
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