I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
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We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
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I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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