Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
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as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
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its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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