This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
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the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
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My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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