i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
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So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
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My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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