I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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