New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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