I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize