Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
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Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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