I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
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He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
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I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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