It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
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I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
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I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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