Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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