I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
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I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
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He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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