Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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