3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
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Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
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Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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