Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize