Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
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I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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