Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(+44): View more from England

Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.

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(+44): Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms. http://tfl.nu/jipl

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(772): View more from Florida

i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"

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(772): i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?" http://tfl.nu/6u9j

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.

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(508): Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it. http://tfl.nu/eqxg

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.

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(610): not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis. http://tfl.nu/tt6j

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(770): View more from Georgia

should I fuck that poor girl

(1-770): View more from Georgia

no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion

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(770): should I fuck that poor girl (1-770): no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion http://tfl.nu/i8cj

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea

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(978): I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea http://tfl.nu/kyal

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.

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(717): Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list. http://tfl.nu/k33x

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong

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(205): Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong http://tfl.nu/oa40

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital

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(403): The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital http://tfl.nu/iqkh

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(502): View more from Kentucky

We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.

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(502): We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice. http://tfl.nu/njob

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(516): View more from New York

It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post

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(516): It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post http://tfl.nu/8lgm

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(206): View more from Washington

Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her

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(206): Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her http://tfl.nu/6f57

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.

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(715): Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration. http://tfl.nu/envu

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(213): View more from California

Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!

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(213): Well, we won the drunk before noon contest! http://tfl.nu/g4t1

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