I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
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He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
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My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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