I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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